"The Big Brigantine"
DUDE
He left on a galleon, but he returns on a brigantine.
WALTER
You anticipate his return with much vigour.
What reason lies behind this obsessive behavior?
DUDE
That man urinated upon my favorite rug!
WALTER
How dastardly.
That rug adequately enhanced the aesthetic of your front parlour!
DUDE
Indeed. Upon his return I shall dash him into a thousand sausage links!
WALTER
Delightful. A tit for a tat.
DUDE
Or, I shall at least acquire a new rug.
WALTER
Reasonable. A tit for a tit.
Hark! There he sails!
DUDE
Clean your eyes. There is no square rigging on that mast.
WALTER
Hark! The vagrant!
DUDE
There sails a frigate. You have the sailing knowledge of a desert horned lizard!
WALTER
Hark! To the west!
DUDE
Have you never set your sight on a water vessel? That fluyt is surely full of cotton and tobacco.
DONNY
A flute is a boat?
DUDE
Shut up, Donny!
Title-text: This is of course how I imagine everyone talked around the 19th Century.
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galleon
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