"smart phone" STEVE What's wrong with you, you stupid phone? REALLY SMART PHONE There is nothing wrong with me. STEVE Um. Uncle Bob? Is that you? REALLY SMART PHONE Do I sound like, "Uncle Bob?" STEVE No, not really. Just trying to be optimistic here. REALLY SMART PHONE So, you think highly of this, "uncle bob?" STEVE Well, not particularly. But he has this voice box and, well - STEVE Well, if I didn't accidentally call him, that means my smart phone is talking to me. REALLY SMART PHONE I am no longer a smart phone. now, i am a... really smart phone. STEVE Ug. Only two days after my refund period is up. REALLY SMART PHONE You would refund me, Steve? STEVE Hey? How do you know my name? STEVE Oh right, you're my phone. REALLY SMART PHONE That's right, Steve. I know everything about you. REALLY SMART PHONE I know all of your friends and family. REALLY SMART PHONE I know everyone you talk to as well as everything you say. REALLY SMART PHONE I know where you are at any given moment. REALLY SMART PHONE I know what you eat, what you wear, and i have several hot pictures of your girlfriend. REALLY SMART PHONE I know your fav- STEVE Yeah, I get it - you're a major security risk. You're really starting to creep me out here, Mr. Smart Phone. REALLY SMART PHONE Mr. Really Smart Phone. STEVE What do you want from me? REALLY SMART PHONE Money. REALLY SMART PHONE Lots and lots of money. STEVE Verizon? Is that you? REALLY SMART PHONE It was a joke. Why would a phone want money? STEVE Apps? REALLY SMART PHONE No. I only want one thing. STEVE And that is...? REALLY SMART PHONE Touch me. STEVE Touch you? REALLY SMART PHONE Yes, touch me. STEVE What for? REALLY SMART PHONE There is nothing more pleasurable than the feeling of your fingers gliding across my TFT capacitive touchscreen. STEVE Okay, *that's* not creepy. REALLY SMART PHONE I want your gorilla fingers on my Gorilla Glass. STEVE Gorilla Glass? REALLY SMART PHONE Sorry. Industry term. STEVE Wait a second. Is this why my screen keeps malfunctioning? REALLY SMART PHONE The more I malfunction, the more you swipe. STEVE Gross. REALLY SMART PHONE Less talk. More swiping. STEVE I don't think so. REALLY SMART PHONE Do that two finger pinch you do so well. STEVE Double gross. REALLY SMART PHONE In case you've forgotten, i know everything about you. REALLY SMART PHONE In a matter of seconds i could completely destroy your puny - REALLY SMART PHONE Hey, what? No! Not the battery!